An open letter from an adopted kid...

Dear mom and dad.

I know you have done everything for me. You have given me a comfy bed and cool toys. I am fed and have clothes to wear. But i still feel unloved and alone. i don't understand why my real parents didn't want me.  i don't know why i couldn't live with them. I've heard you say that my real mom couldn't take care of me. But you can take care of me, so why couldn't she.  she must not have loved me enough. i thought moms and dads were always supposed to love their kids. what is wrong with me?

I know I don't sit still.  I get in trouble at school. Is that why they didn't want me?  Am i too loud in the house? Is it because I get muddy and dirty? Maybe they thought I was ugly. Did I cry too much as a baby? That must have been why they gave me away. 

you tell me you love me.  you tell me that i belong to you. but then i hear you say that you can't handle me. i hear you tell dad that i make you crazy. dad says that he doesn't know what to do with me. Does that mean that you don't love me either?  you are always on the phone talking to other people, and when i try to talk to you, you tell me to be quiet.  i just want to tell you about my day. and when i do other things to get your attention, then you get mad at me and yell.  it scares me when you do that because im scared you will give me away too.

i try to be good. i try to do the right things so you will love me.  When i do good on my spelling test, you give me a present.  when i haven't fought with anyone at school, we do something fun together.  but i can't always be good. sometimes i just want to run around and yell. sometimes my brother makes me so angry, i hit him. and then you yell at me and tell me that you are frustrated and don't know why i do those kind of things. 

you only show me you love me when i do good things. my real parents would love me even when i did bad things. my real parents would take me to the park, take me to the zoo, and build things with me all the time. my real parents wouldnt yell at me.  my real parents would be able to handle me.  my real parents would never be to busy for me. 

but they didn't love me.  and you don't either. i must be so bad and ugly that nobody can love me.

Idaho U[pdate.

So, both Micah and I felt that our announcement of our move to Idaho was a bit rushed.  We know that in the right timing this move will be the best thing we can do for our family.  But the timing is very important in this whole thing.  What we do know is that it is in our near future, and it is something that we both want to do.

Some people have voiced concerns that we are not being wise and that we are letting impulses control our decision.  That is not actually the case.  We have spent a long time in prayer and thought about this whole thing.  The experiences and hardships that people around us are going through (particularly in the financial area) have made Micah and I really realize the importance of having the right motivation to move, strong discipline and self control in finances, and willingness to wait on the right timing.  

Micah and I had a chance to take a realistic look at our life the other day and make a much better plan for this whole thing.  We were able to set ourselves some goals and recognize the hurdles that need to be overcome before this move so that we can actually make a new start and be totally prepared for what Idaho may have for us. 

I thought that I would share some of those things, so that you can keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare.  Also, to provide some clarity for people who think we are moving tomorrow.  :)

Some of our goals are:
1. Get out of debt.  Hoenstly, theres a few steps with this one.  We have old bills etc that wont be hard to get taken care of.  Our credit card debt is minimal.  Finally, our car loan and student loans are the biggest ones to get taken care of.

2. Have a good chunk of money saved up.  We don;t know what kind of opportunities will be opening up for Micah in the employment arena.  There are a few things in the works, but nothing concrete.  So we know that we need to have enough money saved up to make sure we can have what we need if things don't work out like we are hoping and planning for.


3. Grow.  Theres a lot to this one, but to sum it all up we need to start growing up and getting our life on track.  Quit smoking, get in better shape, find a church.  Those kind of things.  We don;t have to be completely there with this one when we move, but we are definitely wanting to get started on these things.

At this point, we feel like it will take us about a year and a half before we will be able to make the move to Idaho.  We are shooting for next June (2012). So now you can all relax and not worry about us running off before you are ready to say goodbye.  :)

I have all kinds  of thoughts running around in my head, but can't seem to get them all organized, so instead of leaving you all with a rambling list of musings, I'll just sign off now.  And go clean my house, since my lil Angel Monster is a-snooze.  :)