So if you follow my dad's blog, you may have read his post on "relationships being the currency of the kingdom." Here's the link to his blog...
Well, recently, I was reading some comments on a message that had been given at a women's meeting at that particular organization. I chose not to listen to the message, so I'm going to say outright that maybe I just don't fully understand the meaning behind the statement "Relationships are the currency of the kingdom."
But, with that said, the statement taken at face value is a sad reflection on churches in America today. And maybe people should think of that before they go and advertise it as some deep and beautiful new catch phrase.
Currency= money. Money is used to get something a person wants or needs. My money is thrown into my purse in a rush. It gets shoved into pockets and run through the washer. People write all over it. Its really not something that is treated with care. Unless of course you got a stack of Benny's. hmmm.
So why would anyone want to be "currency"? Why would that be a way to describe a human being, unique and created in God's image? Why are people falling for this left and right, like its some great new way to look at the Kingdom of God?! Are people truly that blind and deceived? Sadly, I think many are.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He saw this new breed of money changers selling their services in the temple courts. Preying on broken and lost people. Making them feel accepted and valued, only to be focusing on the bottom dollar and building relationships with selfish intentions.
So what should the currency of the Kingdom be? What should we be giving in exchange to those around us? Probably nothing, but if there was going to be anything, I think it would be love, service, and support for the broken. Shouldn't we be giving our time, our [unconditional] love for those around, regardless of $$ or personal issues? Shouldn't we be serving our communities expecting nothing in return? Shouldn't be about touching people's lives in a deep and life changing way? Wouldn't those things make us "rich" in the true sense of the word? Or are we just building as many relationships, with no regard to the depth of them?
basically, if my cell phone contact list is full, that makes me rich? Hmm....I never want to be a form of currency, and I never want that to be the reason I make friends.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Awesome Things about Growing Up
For the most part, growing up is no fun. You have to pay your own bills. Your dad isn't around to fix your car or remind you to check the oil. Your mom isnt around when you don't feel like cooking your own dinner. You can't sit around with your friends all the time because you have responsibilities like work, which is always lame. Not to mention all the emotional chaos that comes with being your own person, separate from your family.
I find myself frequently whining and complaining about how much it sucks. Let's all admit it, nobody has a good time growing up.
BUT. I have realized that there are a few TOTALLY awesome privileges that you gain when you get to make your own decisions with your money and time. I thought I would share these with you.
1. You can use as much toilet paper as you want. When your parents supply the TP, they notice if you use half a roll in one session. But when you are the one buying it, there's nobody to tell you not to! Suddenly the simple task of pooping becomes WAY easier, more fun,and rather empowering.
2. You can eat whatever you want. Obviously, we are not even going to go into the health issues behind making bad choices. But you can totally have McDonalds at ten oclock at night, have pho for lunch and taco truck for dinner (not saying I have ever done that... cough cough..) which leads us to our next point...
3. Dinner is [almost] always something you want to eat. If you are making food for yourself, its not like you are going to slave away for something that isnt sounding yummy to you.
4. You can get the biggest pumpkin at the pumpkin patch. You are the one carving it, cleaning up afterwards, and more importantly, carrying it to the car, so its ok to go crazy! And you can carve a big scary face if you feel like it. Growing up in a house of small children, we didn't carve pumpkins much, and if we did, it had to be totally G rated. The first year Micah and I were married, our pumpkin probably weighed 40-50lbs and we made a bad ass vampire. Totally worth having to pay for it ourselves and clean up the mess.
5. You get to decide when you want to do chores. Yah, sometimes my house becomes a disaster, and having to be the one responsible for keeping it clean is not fun, but if you want to blare some music and clean at 7 am, you can. OR if you want to choose not to mop your floors for a month, thats your deal. You dont have to worry about getting grounded.
Well, that's just a start of my list of things that actually kick ass about being a grown up... Anyone got any other ones?
I find myself frequently whining and complaining about how much it sucks. Let's all admit it, nobody has a good time growing up.
BUT. I have realized that there are a few TOTALLY awesome privileges that you gain when you get to make your own decisions with your money and time. I thought I would share these with you.
1. You can use as much toilet paper as you want. When your parents supply the TP, they notice if you use half a roll in one session. But when you are the one buying it, there's nobody to tell you not to! Suddenly the simple task of pooping becomes WAY easier, more fun,and rather empowering.
2. You can eat whatever you want. Obviously, we are not even going to go into the health issues behind making bad choices. But you can totally have McDonalds at ten oclock at night, have pho for lunch and taco truck for dinner (not saying I have ever done that... cough cough..) which leads us to our next point...
3. Dinner is [almost] always something you want to eat. If you are making food for yourself, its not like you are going to slave away for something that isnt sounding yummy to you.
4. You can get the biggest pumpkin at the pumpkin patch. You are the one carving it, cleaning up afterwards, and more importantly, carrying it to the car, so its ok to go crazy! And you can carve a big scary face if you feel like it. Growing up in a house of small children, we didn't carve pumpkins much, and if we did, it had to be totally G rated. The first year Micah and I were married, our pumpkin probably weighed 40-50lbs and we made a bad ass vampire. Totally worth having to pay for it ourselves and clean up the mess.
5. You get to decide when you want to do chores. Yah, sometimes my house becomes a disaster, and having to be the one responsible for keeping it clean is not fun, but if you want to blare some music and clean at 7 am, you can. OR if you want to choose not to mop your floors for a month, thats your deal. You dont have to worry about getting grounded.
Well, that's just a start of my list of things that actually kick ass about being a grown up... Anyone got any other ones?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Caution: Intense, Painful, and Not a Fun Read
I recently found out some very disturbing things. I learned about lies that were told pertaining to my family, and finally found an explanation for some of the questions I had about my former church "family."
The sad part about this is the betrayal and blatant deception that occured. *Someone* cared more about their salary then people lives, and used his authority and position to deceive a whole congregation of people who admired and respected him. There is no way to excuse the "story" that was told. Had there been a small measure of logical truth, maybe I could see past it. But it is ridiculous! Maybe its the white hair and fatherly voice that made everyone lose their ability to personally and logically think through a situation and analyze what was being fed to them. I don't really know, but looking back now its obvious that a lot of people fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Another thing I can't entirely understand is why almost nobody took the time to find out the truth. No wonder Christians are hated, laughed at and ridiculed by secular culture. For the most part, they are dumb! Jesus was right when He said they were His sheep. They follow blindly anyone who looks like they may know something about anything. Whatever they say is obviously truth, didn't you know? And rather than taking the time to find out for themselves, they move on to the newest worship song or motivational speaker or some such other bullshit.
And while I am glad to have more of the truth in the light, 6 years later, the fallout will be brutal. The "where do I go from here" is painful and uncomfortable. But I know a few things. I will not back down, no matter how hard it is for me or the people around me. I will not be quiet anymore. And I am no longer going to pretend to be "okay" with that man. He or his wife will never again be part of my life, as much as in my power to see that happens.
In the last 6 years, one thing that I have forever lost is my innocence. I can never go back to blind trust, and quiet obedience. I no longer believe that all authority is to be respected. And never again will I believe that a church is a safe place. On the contrary, sadly, experience has taught me that it is a place where predators are protected (shit, welcomed!), and there are more lies being shoved down your throat than on a used car lot. And that lose of trust, innocence, and faith is greatly the result of one stuck up, deceitful, and selfish bastard's desire to "not make waves" no matter if the cost was an entire family.
Too bad I wish my story was unique, but in the "Body of Christ," its not, and in the 15 years we went there, I am dying to know the truth about the people who "went on sabbatical."
So there ya have it. I know this is prety direct, and I appreciate the people in my life who have chosen to believe the truth and be true examples of Christ in their daily lives.
The sad part about this is the betrayal and blatant deception that occured. *Someone* cared more about their salary then people lives, and used his authority and position to deceive a whole congregation of people who admired and respected him. There is no way to excuse the "story" that was told. Had there been a small measure of logical truth, maybe I could see past it. But it is ridiculous! Maybe its the white hair and fatherly voice that made everyone lose their ability to personally and logically think through a situation and analyze what was being fed to them. I don't really know, but looking back now its obvious that a lot of people fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Another thing I can't entirely understand is why almost nobody took the time to find out the truth. No wonder Christians are hated, laughed at and ridiculed by secular culture. For the most part, they are dumb! Jesus was right when He said they were His sheep. They follow blindly anyone who looks like they may know something about anything. Whatever they say is obviously truth, didn't you know? And rather than taking the time to find out for themselves, they move on to the newest worship song or motivational speaker or some such other bullshit.
And while I am glad to have more of the truth in the light, 6 years later, the fallout will be brutal. The "where do I go from here" is painful and uncomfortable. But I know a few things. I will not back down, no matter how hard it is for me or the people around me. I will not be quiet anymore. And I am no longer going to pretend to be "okay" with that man. He or his wife will never again be part of my life, as much as in my power to see that happens.
In the last 6 years, one thing that I have forever lost is my innocence. I can never go back to blind trust, and quiet obedience. I no longer believe that all authority is to be respected. And never again will I believe that a church is a safe place. On the contrary, sadly, experience has taught me that it is a place where predators are protected (shit, welcomed!), and there are more lies being shoved down your throat than on a used car lot. And that lose of trust, innocence, and faith is greatly the result of one stuck up, deceitful, and selfish bastard's desire to "not make waves" no matter if the cost was an entire family.
Too bad I wish my story was unique, but in the "Body of Christ," its not, and in the 15 years we went there, I am dying to know the truth about the people who "went on sabbatical."
So there ya have it. I know this is prety direct, and I appreciate the people in my life who have chosen to believe the truth and be true examples of Christ in their daily lives.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Smokeless- Week 2, day 3
So we are on the second week of this whole thing, and honestly, this week has been easy. I haven't even felt like a cigarette. Maybe because I have been busy 24/7. Maybe because I've chosen to put my focus on other things. I don't really know. But it hasn't been nearly as hard. Even though we had a few slips last week, I am still confident and strong in doing this, which is more than half the battle.
As I have gone longer and longer without cigarettes, I've realized a few things.
1. I now have an 100 minutes everyday. 10 cigarettes a day, each taking ten minutes. At first it was a little weird, and I'd have moments of being really bored, but its amazing how fast time goes when you start realizing that you have a shit ton that is yelling for your attention!
2. I actually smelled a hint of new-ish car smell in my Explorer the other day. YAY! it doesn't reek anymore!
3. Addiction is a scary thing. Looking at our finances, we would always find a way to get cigarettes. At any cost. And that is a huge reason we are behind in so many areas financially, or at the least on the edge. People around us were put on the back burner if we were short on cash and still had to buy x- amount of cigarettes. it was crazy. I never realized how much we sacrificed to make smoking happen everyday. And its true of any addiction- no matter what, you never go with out whatever it is you "need." As I said before, I never want to get there again!
Thats a few thoughts for the day today. My brain has been a monumental mess the last few days, mostly because my house looks like it was just hit by a tornado! Looks like that 100 minutes is already gone today!
As I have gone longer and longer without cigarettes, I've realized a few things.
1. I now have an 100 minutes everyday. 10 cigarettes a day, each taking ten minutes. At first it was a little weird, and I'd have moments of being really bored, but its amazing how fast time goes when you start realizing that you have a shit ton that is yelling for your attention!
2. I actually smelled a hint of new-ish car smell in my Explorer the other day. YAY! it doesn't reek anymore!
3. Addiction is a scary thing. Looking at our finances, we would always find a way to get cigarettes. At any cost. And that is a huge reason we are behind in so many areas financially, or at the least on the edge. People around us were put on the back burner if we were short on cash and still had to buy x- amount of cigarettes. it was crazy. I never realized how much we sacrificed to make smoking happen everyday. And its true of any addiction- no matter what, you never go with out whatever it is you "need." As I said before, I never want to get there again!
Thats a few thoughts for the day today. My brain has been a monumental mess the last few days, mostly because my house looks like it was just hit by a tornado! Looks like that 100 minutes is already gone today!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Quitting smoking, day one.
This is a post i wrote on a forum I'm on, but thought id post it here too. I'll probably be posting a lot the next few weeks... I feel like journaling this process is going to be the most helpful. so enjoy and follow, o get bored and don't- it's no thang to me! :)
so here we go ladies! I hope you gals dont mind if I post on here about this whole process, feel free to quit reading whenever, i wont be offended! :) i just need a place to vent and process. I've been up an hour and a half and so far alright. its a beautiful day so I think i'm going to plant flowers and get outside and clean my house and try to keep myself moving. it makes you so sleepy not having cigs! lame!
I would post about the quitting thing on fb, but i know i will get too much attention over it, ya know? and that doesnt help! my grandma knows that we are quitting and every time she sees me thats all she wants to talk about!!! really not helpful! I'd rather just ignore the whole thing and live my life like i have never been a smoker and im just living every day like I have always done.
my friend had a good point about instead of just quitting cigarettes to change your whole routine, that way everything is different and so you dont miss it as much. Well, the plan was play with bella, coffee, and while shes down for a nap, take a shower and put on make up etc (since i have been a total slob the last 6 months!) and then clean etc until she wakes up. Once shes awake, I was going to make sure to DO something, a walk, the park whatever! but so far, i'm sitting here with a stomach ache and feeling like going back to sleep. maybe i could just sleep the next 5 weeks off and wake up without the hacking or addiction.
I will never be addicited to anything again! it f&*cking sucks!
so here we go ladies! I hope you gals dont mind if I post on here about this whole process, feel free to quit reading whenever, i wont be offended! :) i just need a place to vent and process. I've been up an hour and a half and so far alright. its a beautiful day so I think i'm going to plant flowers and get outside and clean my house and try to keep myself moving. it makes you so sleepy not having cigs! lame!
I would post about the quitting thing on fb, but i know i will get too much attention over it, ya know? and that doesnt help! my grandma knows that we are quitting and every time she sees me thats all she wants to talk about!!! really not helpful! I'd rather just ignore the whole thing and live my life like i have never been a smoker and im just living every day like I have always done.
my friend had a good point about instead of just quitting cigarettes to change your whole routine, that way everything is different and so you dont miss it as much. Well, the plan was play with bella, coffee, and while shes down for a nap, take a shower and put on make up etc (since i have been a total slob the last 6 months!) and then clean etc until she wakes up. Once shes awake, I was going to make sure to DO something, a walk, the park whatever! but so far, i'm sitting here with a stomach ache and feeling like going back to sleep. maybe i could just sleep the next 5 weeks off and wake up without the hacking or addiction.
I will never be addicited to anything again! it f&*cking sucks!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
No excuses, only choices
I'm going to be totally honest here. Lately I've really been struggling with some depression and having a really hard time. The past few weeks have been challenging on all levels. Moving or not, finances, Bella, self-esteem, and the fact my house is a wreck. At first I just dismissed it as PMS (I happen to be the poster child for that unpleasant time). But it didn't go away. I've been struggling with feeling inadequate, exhausted, and frustrated with what my life has become.
The past few days, I have really been doing some soul searching, asking myself "What the hell is wrong with me! Why am I not able to enjoy life, and what is making me feel like this?" The hard part is that rationally, and in reality, I have a great life. I have an amazing husband who takes care of me so I can stay home with my beautiful little girl. I have a house, no matter what shape it is in. I have a good life on the whole.
As I began to just think and process the past few weeks, I think I have figured out something...
I have realized that our thoughts can be our worst enemies. In the Bible, we are told to "take every thought captive." When I was younger, I had a black and white, rigid view of that verse. I didn't apply it to the reality of life every day. It's not (necessarily) saying that we need to be constantly checking our minds, because in reality we cannot have control over every thought that pops into our heads. Its saying that we need to be in control of what we chose to dwell on, what we allow to rent space up there. I'm not bragging here, but generally, I have been pretty good at steering my brain and choosing what I allow myself to continue to think about. Definitely not perfect, but for the most part, I feel like I am fairly competent at taking the crazy things that pop into my head and dismissing the ones that bring me down. But I have realized that sometimes, that ability starts to slip away, and without knowing it I can get away from that gift from God. And if I don't catch that slide soon enough, I begin living in a funk and forget how I got there and how to get out.
In my own life, I am realizing that the power to take control of our thoughts is huge and we are the only ones who can do that for ourselves. I've seen in my own life how things can spiral out of control, and I've seen it in other people around me. We all blame the outward things- in my case, exhaustion, a headache from my little girl who is practicing her singing skills by shrieking 24/7, and sticky floors. When all is said and done though, it's just LIFE, and while we have some control over the external things, it comes down to making choices every day.
I am a firm believer that we have the power to stop ourselves from digging black holes in our minds and emotions. Most of the time, it is just a choice that we have to make. I think that we can simply say to ourselves, "Stop." For example, there are people who are getting divorces because they have "irreconcilable differences." That's bullshit. They say that they can't stop fighting and distrusting their spouse, when in reality they are not choosing to get over it, and are not choosing to do what is necessary to resolve the issues. That may be a bad example, but the point is that we make excuses when we should be making choices. Choices give us power over our future, over our every day, over our actions, and half the time, we lack the self control and strength to make the choices that are needed. And choices are things that we need to make in every area of our life.
And I do also think that there are times when we get so depleted emotionally to have the nerve to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and make the choices to filter our thoughts, our actions, and take control over those things. I've realized that in my situation, that is what happened. I let things go. And one thing piled on top of another. In other words, life happened, and I just let myself make excuses for the things my brain was dwelling on. SO the last few days, I've been trying to do the things that fill me back up- walks, cleaning, sleeping, some veg out TV (last night it was meerkat manor- great show!)
So now that I have realized where this whole funk is coming from, I have come to a few revelations.
1. Yes, my life is going to be consumed with diapers, teething, and excersaucers for a while. Since that something I can't change, pretty much need to face the music (or the Musick, if I was going to be super corny!) and deal with it. I can get out more, I can go hang out with my friends, and I can chose to look at the bright side of things- namely, that everybody tells me you miss this stage in a few years.
2. We are not rich. Ok, well, I could think about getting a job, or I can just chose to make better decisions financially, and learn how to make my pho at home.
3. I am not going to get to sleep much. for a while. So take a nap. Or what I did today. I changed and fed Bellie at 6 am when she thought she wanted to get up, and laid her back down with her lullabies and went back to bed with the monitor really low. I got to sleep another 45 minutes and Bella went back to sleep too. My house is small enough that if she got really pissed, I'd hear her, monitor or not, so why torture myself by laying there listening to her complain or "sing", when I can just relax and snooze a bit more. Being in her crib a bit longer, as long as she is fed and changed is not going to kill her or permanently make her think i don't love her, but an exhausted and pissy mom can cause problems for everybody.
4. I just had a baby a little bit ago, so its ok that I haven't dropped that 20 lbs I really need to lose, and I need to deal with the fact that my skin had to fit an 8 lbs baby so its normal for it to take a while to decompress. I'm back to what I weighed before I had her, which is good. The weather is getting nicer, so I can get more exercise, and veggies and fruit are starting to be yummier (and cheaper) so i can work on it the next few months.
5. The other day, we almost got into a serious accident- like we could have been killed had things been different. I let myself dwell on what would happen if I lost my family. Talk about DEPRESSING. I need to remember that God will take care of me, Micah, and Bella. I have amazing friends and family, so if I ever did have to walk that road, I can rest in the fact that I have a loving God and a strong support system that would do anything and everything to get me back on my feet. The end- not going to think on that one anymore.
Anyways- those are some example in my life of ways I am going to start taking control of how I'm viewing my life and how I am going to go forward from today on taking better control of my thoughts. That and some extra prayers and a chat with my mom.
Starting today, I going to make some choices and not excuses. And for starters, I'm going to take the whole "half full" approach. Now to go clean my really gross floors....
The past few days, I have really been doing some soul searching, asking myself "What the hell is wrong with me! Why am I not able to enjoy life, and what is making me feel like this?" The hard part is that rationally, and in reality, I have a great life. I have an amazing husband who takes care of me so I can stay home with my beautiful little girl. I have a house, no matter what shape it is in. I have a good life on the whole.
As I began to just think and process the past few weeks, I think I have figured out something...
I have realized that our thoughts can be our worst enemies. In the Bible, we are told to "take every thought captive." When I was younger, I had a black and white, rigid view of that verse. I didn't apply it to the reality of life every day. It's not (necessarily) saying that we need to be constantly checking our minds, because in reality we cannot have control over every thought that pops into our heads. Its saying that we need to be in control of what we chose to dwell on, what we allow to rent space up there. I'm not bragging here, but generally, I have been pretty good at steering my brain and choosing what I allow myself to continue to think about. Definitely not perfect, but for the most part, I feel like I am fairly competent at taking the crazy things that pop into my head and dismissing the ones that bring me down. But I have realized that sometimes, that ability starts to slip away, and without knowing it I can get away from that gift from God. And if I don't catch that slide soon enough, I begin living in a funk and forget how I got there and how to get out.
In my own life, I am realizing that the power to take control of our thoughts is huge and we are the only ones who can do that for ourselves. I've seen in my own life how things can spiral out of control, and I've seen it in other people around me. We all blame the outward things- in my case, exhaustion, a headache from my little girl who is practicing her singing skills by shrieking 24/7, and sticky floors. When all is said and done though, it's just LIFE, and while we have some control over the external things, it comes down to making choices every day.
I am a firm believer that we have the power to stop ourselves from digging black holes in our minds and emotions. Most of the time, it is just a choice that we have to make. I think that we can simply say to ourselves, "Stop." For example, there are people who are getting divorces because they have "irreconcilable differences." That's bullshit. They say that they can't stop fighting and distrusting their spouse, when in reality they are not choosing to get over it, and are not choosing to do what is necessary to resolve the issues. That may be a bad example, but the point is that we make excuses when we should be making choices. Choices give us power over our future, over our every day, over our actions, and half the time, we lack the self control and strength to make the choices that are needed. And choices are things that we need to make in every area of our life.
And I do also think that there are times when we get so depleted emotionally to have the nerve to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and make the choices to filter our thoughts, our actions, and take control over those things. I've realized that in my situation, that is what happened. I let things go. And one thing piled on top of another. In other words, life happened, and I just let myself make excuses for the things my brain was dwelling on. SO the last few days, I've been trying to do the things that fill me back up- walks, cleaning, sleeping, some veg out TV (last night it was meerkat manor- great show!)
So now that I have realized where this whole funk is coming from, I have come to a few revelations.
1. Yes, my life is going to be consumed with diapers, teething, and excersaucers for a while. Since that something I can't change, pretty much need to face the music (or the Musick, if I was going to be super corny!) and deal with it. I can get out more, I can go hang out with my friends, and I can chose to look at the bright side of things- namely, that everybody tells me you miss this stage in a few years.
2. We are not rich. Ok, well, I could think about getting a job, or I can just chose to make better decisions financially, and learn how to make my pho at home.
3. I am not going to get to sleep much. for a while. So take a nap. Or what I did today. I changed and fed Bellie at 6 am when she thought she wanted to get up, and laid her back down with her lullabies and went back to bed with the monitor really low. I got to sleep another 45 minutes and Bella went back to sleep too. My house is small enough that if she got really pissed, I'd hear her, monitor or not, so why torture myself by laying there listening to her complain or "sing", when I can just relax and snooze a bit more. Being in her crib a bit longer, as long as she is fed and changed is not going to kill her or permanently make her think i don't love her, but an exhausted and pissy mom can cause problems for everybody.
4. I just had a baby a little bit ago, so its ok that I haven't dropped that 20 lbs I really need to lose, and I need to deal with the fact that my skin had to fit an 8 lbs baby so its normal for it to take a while to decompress. I'm back to what I weighed before I had her, which is good. The weather is getting nicer, so I can get more exercise, and veggies and fruit are starting to be yummier (and cheaper) so i can work on it the next few months.
5. The other day, we almost got into a serious accident- like we could have been killed had things been different. I let myself dwell on what would happen if I lost my family. Talk about DEPRESSING. I need to remember that God will take care of me, Micah, and Bella. I have amazing friends and family, so if I ever did have to walk that road, I can rest in the fact that I have a loving God and a strong support system that would do anything and everything to get me back on my feet. The end- not going to think on that one anymore.
Anyways- those are some example in my life of ways I am going to start taking control of how I'm viewing my life and how I am going to go forward from today on taking better control of my thoughts. That and some extra prayers and a chat with my mom.
Starting today, I going to make some choices and not excuses. And for starters, I'm going to take the whole "half full" approach. Now to go clean my really gross floors....
Friday, March 12, 2010
What I've Learned Lately.
I'm sitting at my computer while Bella is happily squealing at the blue sheep and pink pig on her bouncy seat, and thinking about all the things I've learned since being a mom.
1. Eating fast. I have learned the art that whether its a few crackers and cheese, or a steak and potato, I can eat anything in under 5 minutes, I think I may just start asking the waitresses for a small garden shovel instead of a fork.
2. How to do ANYTHING one-handed. eating, dishes, texting, emailing, facebooking. You name it and I've probably done it.
3. How to sleep like my husband. I have always been a light sleeper. If I woke up at night, it took me a while to fall back asleep. The smallest sound woke me up. Now, my head hits the pillow, and I am OUT. Like GONE. Micah has gotten in and out of bed, the dog has licked me, I've had conversations! all while staying totally and completely in sleepyland. but this leads me to the next lesson-
4. How to be awake, out of bed with pants on in less than ten seconds. So I'm a pantless sleeper, and now, I can get out of bed, put my pants on and have a bottle made before I even completely open my eyes. "Getting out of bed" used to take ten or fifteen minutes, just to get my feet on the ground, now try ten seconds! GANGSTA!
5. That my mom was always right. always.
6. God definitely sends you a baby a lot like yourself. Part of the reason I've become a very prayerful person lately. Some are desperate prayers for my own sanity and part are prayers that she will be more like her dad and less like me, so she will hopefully avoid some of the stupid things I did. But when she's screaming for 2 hours because she refused to take a nap that afternoon, I hear my mom's voice coming out of my mouth. "Every choice has a consequence, and now you are exhausted and emotional because at nap time, you made a bad choice. This is why I tell you and try to help you take a nap everyday. I know you don't believe me, but Mommy knows best honey. Stop fighting it and go to sleep" Mind you, she's 3 months old and can't make a conscious choice not to sleep, but I'm getting my practice in for later.
7. Priorities. Shower? Sleep? or Eat? Never in my life did I think that those three things would be the reason for much debate. Up until this point, they were all rights, requirements, and basic neccessities. Now, there are times when I'm like, "I got maybe a half hour. Eat? nah that can wait til this afternoon. I'm gonna sleep. But I havent taken a shower in a day or two... hmmmm Shower now, eat next nap, and sleep in the afternoon, if she goes down."
8. That the days of uninterrupted hours of house cleaning were truly gold, not chores. How about the hours of uninterrupted ANYTHING.
9. That baby vomit isn't really that bad. I just try to convince myself it's Vera Wang's new perfume. or something... Not to mention, I have never been peed on as much (or EVER) as i have been the last three months.
10. Quiet is amazing. It feels like a party when the volume on our TV is in the double digits, or if we are actually playing our OWN music and not lullabies. Not to mention, you begin to notice how loud all your friends are. Their normal tone of voice sounds like a yell if they happen to be around during naptime or bedime.
11. It's all worth it. The smiles, cuddles, and little squeaks (Bella is very squeaky lately) make everything seem perfect, and like its what I must have been meant to do.
That's all for today, kids. I've got a crying baby that needs me to save the day!
1. Eating fast. I have learned the art that whether its a few crackers and cheese, or a steak and potato, I can eat anything in under 5 minutes, I think I may just start asking the waitresses for a small garden shovel instead of a fork.
2. How to do ANYTHING one-handed. eating, dishes, texting, emailing, facebooking. You name it and I've probably done it.
3. How to sleep like my husband. I have always been a light sleeper. If I woke up at night, it took me a while to fall back asleep. The smallest sound woke me up. Now, my head hits the pillow, and I am OUT. Like GONE. Micah has gotten in and out of bed, the dog has licked me, I've had conversations! all while staying totally and completely in sleepyland. but this leads me to the next lesson-
4. How to be awake, out of bed with pants on in less than ten seconds. So I'm a pantless sleeper, and now, I can get out of bed, put my pants on and have a bottle made before I even completely open my eyes. "Getting out of bed" used to take ten or fifteen minutes, just to get my feet on the ground, now try ten seconds! GANGSTA!
5. That my mom was always right. always.
6. God definitely sends you a baby a lot like yourself. Part of the reason I've become a very prayerful person lately. Some are desperate prayers for my own sanity and part are prayers that she will be more like her dad and less like me, so she will hopefully avoid some of the stupid things I did. But when she's screaming for 2 hours because she refused to take a nap that afternoon, I hear my mom's voice coming out of my mouth. "Every choice has a consequence, and now you are exhausted and emotional because at nap time, you made a bad choice. This is why I tell you and try to help you take a nap everyday. I know you don't believe me, but Mommy knows best honey. Stop fighting it and go to sleep" Mind you, she's 3 months old and can't make a conscious choice not to sleep, but I'm getting my practice in for later.
7. Priorities. Shower? Sleep? or Eat? Never in my life did I think that those three things would be the reason for much debate. Up until this point, they were all rights, requirements, and basic neccessities. Now, there are times when I'm like, "I got maybe a half hour. Eat? nah that can wait til this afternoon. I'm gonna sleep. But I havent taken a shower in a day or two... hmmmm Shower now, eat next nap, and sleep in the afternoon, if she goes down."
8. That the days of uninterrupted hours of house cleaning were truly gold, not chores. How about the hours of uninterrupted ANYTHING.
9. That baby vomit isn't really that bad. I just try to convince myself it's Vera Wang's new perfume. or something... Not to mention, I have never been peed on as much (or EVER) as i have been the last three months.
10. Quiet is amazing. It feels like a party when the volume on our TV is in the double digits, or if we are actually playing our OWN music and not lullabies. Not to mention, you begin to notice how loud all your friends are. Their normal tone of voice sounds like a yell if they happen to be around during naptime or bedime.
11. It's all worth it. The smiles, cuddles, and little squeaks (Bella is very squeaky lately) make everything seem perfect, and like its what I must have been meant to do.
That's all for today, kids. I've got a crying baby that needs me to save the day!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Micah and I
So I figured with our anniversary tommorrow, I've been pretty nostalgic lately, and I thought I'd share that with you...
It all started with a horse. Micah's parents had been given this crazy horse and they in turn gave him to my mom. This was like 20 years ago. Well, one day I was out at the Musick's farm with mom, and standing by the car waiting to leave and Micah's was outside too. It was about the time of day when mosquitos come out and Micah decided to tell me all about how mosquitos mate for life and all this very important mosquito information. Mind you we were like 7, so i just thought he was weird and had cooties. But thats how it all began....
Then we grew up a bit, he started coming to our church, and we started hanging out at the dupea bonfires. Micah became that safe, cuddly brother (which is like gold to a teenage girl in a time of your life when no guys are safe.) that was always there for me and gave me a big hug every time i saw him. When I was about 16, I was in the kitchen with my mom one day and announced, "I think I'm going to marry Micah Musick one day. What do you think about that, mom?" And she said, "well, he has a good family. that could be a good thing"
So began my (attempted) secret crush on micah, I'm horrible at secrets! I had a few boys come and go in my life, but for some reason, when it was all said and done, I would always be writing the breakup entry in my journal, and it would always end with "so and so isnt right for me, maybe, God, you could make this micah thing work out. cuz he's pretty much the best guy I know." I remember my bf at the time had taken me on this super romantic date the night before and I went to church the next day and basically ignored him and went and sat next to micah all afternoon. I still have the pic I took that day. And micah sat and listened to me tell all about the date I had gone on the night before (he did a good job of pretending he was interested, then turned the conversation to something random...)
Then we hit about 19-20 ish, and both went on dts, and both went to india (at the same time, just different places.) and emailed a bit. I got home, and I remember we used to talk on the phone all the time. I really dont know anymore how its possible to spend hours on the phone, but we did. And then he came home in December, and we were chatting online and he was like, "what are you doing tonight?" My whole family was at my house and witnessed my ecstatic little dance (I may even have screamed a little... maybe...) cuz i was finally hanging out with Micah Musick, on a kinda date thing... I was ridiculous.
anyways, so he came over to pick me. And my mom told me that the first time she saw us together, she thought, "they are going to have the cutest kids ever!" which we do! So we went to coffee and bowling and had a beer or two on the waterfront. best night ever.
anyways, we hung out everyday for a month, and 2 days before he was going back to hawaii, I was talking to jason and was like "this kid is never going to ask me out officially.) I left jason's house and in the time it took me to get to micah's, jason had told him to get his act together or jason would come over and kick his ass.
So he asked me out (in a very cute and awkward fashin...) and left for Hawaii, I left for pullman a few weeks later.
Every story has its happy parts, and theres always the part where everything seems to fall apart, and you don't know if its going to be a happy ending. We are at that part of this little story...
When I went to pullman, my life took a downward turn. bad. I ended up having to call micah in Hawaii to tell him that I had cheated on him and that basically, in nicer words, that I wanted to do whatever the hell I wanted and didnt want to be bothered with having to answer for my actions or have anything holding me back. Maybe we can work it out when you get home.
and thats what i did. not such a proud moment in my history, but its a huge part in this story.
Well, towards the end of my time in pullman, i began to realize how dumb i had been. I had basically thrown away the one thing I had wanted for years, for a few too many beers and stupid frat boys. dumb. dumb. dumb.
When micah got home, we started hanging out. And you know, even though tons was between us, we got through it. there were a few really hard conversations, but we pushed through those and made a promise to never lie about anything, past, present or for the future. we pulled out all our skeletons and told every secret. People to this day think its crazy that we literally talk about everything, but thats just what we do, and its how we rebuilt a lot of lost trust and got through what had happened.
And since then, we have grown up together. We were (still are) just 2 kids that didnt have any idea what to do with our lives and decided to figure it out together. the only thing that was for sure was that we wanted to be together forever. So we got engaged. Planned our wedding in 3 weeks (no joke!). Life was pretty crazy there for a while, but we figured it out and did a lot of growing up together. We are kind of the poster kids for the song "all you need is love."
And now, here we are. and believe me when i say that if it wasnt for micah, i wouldnt be where i am today. he kinda saved my life. and i think i probably saved his. The greatest compliment we have ever gotten was from caleb. One day we were talking about marriage and family, and he said, "wait, Micah and Sarah are MARRIED!?" "yah, thats why we live together." and he said, "Well, I just thought you lived together cuz you are best friends."
and thats pretty much it. best friends.
It all started with a horse. Micah's parents had been given this crazy horse and they in turn gave him to my mom. This was like 20 years ago. Well, one day I was out at the Musick's farm with mom, and standing by the car waiting to leave and Micah's was outside too. It was about the time of day when mosquitos come out and Micah decided to tell me all about how mosquitos mate for life and all this very important mosquito information. Mind you we were like 7, so i just thought he was weird and had cooties. But thats how it all began....
Then we grew up a bit, he started coming to our church, and we started hanging out at the dupea bonfires. Micah became that safe, cuddly brother (which is like gold to a teenage girl in a time of your life when no guys are safe.) that was always there for me and gave me a big hug every time i saw him. When I was about 16, I was in the kitchen with my mom one day and announced, "I think I'm going to marry Micah Musick one day. What do you think about that, mom?" And she said, "well, he has a good family. that could be a good thing"
So began my (attempted) secret crush on micah, I'm horrible at secrets! I had a few boys come and go in my life, but for some reason, when it was all said and done, I would always be writing the breakup entry in my journal, and it would always end with "so and so isnt right for me, maybe, God, you could make this micah thing work out. cuz he's pretty much the best guy I know." I remember my bf at the time had taken me on this super romantic date the night before and I went to church the next day and basically ignored him and went and sat next to micah all afternoon. I still have the pic I took that day. And micah sat and listened to me tell all about the date I had gone on the night before (he did a good job of pretending he was interested, then turned the conversation to something random...)
Then we hit about 19-20 ish, and both went on dts, and both went to india (at the same time, just different places.) and emailed a bit. I got home, and I remember we used to talk on the phone all the time. I really dont know anymore how its possible to spend hours on the phone, but we did. And then he came home in December, and we were chatting online and he was like, "what are you doing tonight?" My whole family was at my house and witnessed my ecstatic little dance (I may even have screamed a little... maybe...) cuz i was finally hanging out with Micah Musick, on a kinda date thing... I was ridiculous.
anyways, so he came over to pick me. And my mom told me that the first time she saw us together, she thought, "they are going to have the cutest kids ever!" which we do! So we went to coffee and bowling and had a beer or two on the waterfront. best night ever.
anyways, we hung out everyday for a month, and 2 days before he was going back to hawaii, I was talking to jason and was like "this kid is never going to ask me out officially.) I left jason's house and in the time it took me to get to micah's, jason had told him to get his act together or jason would come over and kick his ass.
So he asked me out (in a very cute and awkward fashin...) and left for Hawaii, I left for pullman a few weeks later.
Every story has its happy parts, and theres always the part where everything seems to fall apart, and you don't know if its going to be a happy ending. We are at that part of this little story...
When I went to pullman, my life took a downward turn. bad. I ended up having to call micah in Hawaii to tell him that I had cheated on him and that basically, in nicer words, that I wanted to do whatever the hell I wanted and didnt want to be bothered with having to answer for my actions or have anything holding me back. Maybe we can work it out when you get home.
and thats what i did. not such a proud moment in my history, but its a huge part in this story.
Well, towards the end of my time in pullman, i began to realize how dumb i had been. I had basically thrown away the one thing I had wanted for years, for a few too many beers and stupid frat boys. dumb. dumb. dumb.
When micah got home, we started hanging out. And you know, even though tons was between us, we got through it. there were a few really hard conversations, but we pushed through those and made a promise to never lie about anything, past, present or for the future. we pulled out all our skeletons and told every secret. People to this day think its crazy that we literally talk about everything, but thats just what we do, and its how we rebuilt a lot of lost trust and got through what had happened.
And since then, we have grown up together. We were (still are) just 2 kids that didnt have any idea what to do with our lives and decided to figure it out together. the only thing that was for sure was that we wanted to be together forever. So we got engaged. Planned our wedding in 3 weeks (no joke!). Life was pretty crazy there for a while, but we figured it out and did a lot of growing up together. We are kind of the poster kids for the song "all you need is love."
And now, here we are. and believe me when i say that if it wasnt for micah, i wouldnt be where i am today. he kinda saved my life. and i think i probably saved his. The greatest compliment we have ever gotten was from caleb. One day we were talking about marriage and family, and he said, "wait, Micah and Sarah are MARRIED!?" "yah, thats why we live together." and he said, "Well, I just thought you lived together cuz you are best friends."
and thats pretty much it. best friends.
Friday, March 5, 2010
American Honey
So before I proceed, I want to say that the intention of this blog isn't to dwell on the past, bash people who screwed me over, or whine about "poor me." My life is all about the future. There are times when you have to think about the past so you can make a better future, both for yourself, and for your baby (my baby, in this case). So if I do go into some of it, don't take me the wrong way- I'm not looking for sympathy, empathy, or affirmation in my decisions at the time. All I want to do is share my hopes for the future. So here we go...
(I should be cleaning, cooking, putting on make up or doing my hair, but naaahhh!)
So, have you seen that show fringe? My dad would say its a waste of time or a Hollywood ploy to make money. But thats ok, I'm used to him now. Anyways- the premise is an FBI division that's purpose is to investigate weird deaths or occurrences- things that seem impossible but are scientifically possible ie genetic alteration, bio weapons, etc. weird, creepy, but crazy interesting and awesome!
Well, the new show is about how theres this alternate reality parallel to ours. So I've been thinking about how I hope my parallel Sarah is living.
I've always dreamed of a life in the country. Growing up barefoot, on the back of a horse, with wide open fields for company. I guess it's because its the opposite of my life which was a druggie birthmom, trailer parks,which gave way to city life, backyard, and the biggest animal we could have was a german shepherd.
For some reason, the country life has always drawn me in. maybe its the simplicity, maybe its the quiet, I dont really know. But I've realized that I want Bella to have that. (Can you imagine- Bella Sweet Musick, Miss Rodeo Princess, on a big beautiful paint, all glittery and with flowers around her horses neck!? seriously!!!)
anyways, as i hear the sirens run back and forth all day, and loud pops that sound way too much like gunshots for my taste, and drive around and see people living all packed together, I realize that this city is no place for a kid. In general, the city is no place for a kid. There is no room for exploration, for freedom to experience different things, no room to grow.
Maybe my alternate universe self is a barrel racer in Texas, who grow up on a ranch and married a cowboy in Wrangler jeans. (I'm working on micah, he listens to contry now. next is the jeans and boots... love him!) Maybe the draw for me is the confidence that I seem to find whenever I get out of the smog and traffic of the city. Its like things get quiet, emotionally, spiritually.
Well, until I get my ranch house in the country I guess I'll just have to listen to "American Honey" and tell Bella she's a cowgirl. Do they make dog saddles, so she can start practicing her riding skills?
(I should be cleaning, cooking, putting on make up or doing my hair, but naaahhh!)
So, have you seen that show fringe? My dad would say its a waste of time or a Hollywood ploy to make money. But thats ok, I'm used to him now. Anyways- the premise is an FBI division that's purpose is to investigate weird deaths or occurrences- things that seem impossible but are scientifically possible ie genetic alteration, bio weapons, etc. weird, creepy, but crazy interesting and awesome!
Well, the new show is about how theres this alternate reality parallel to ours. So I've been thinking about how I hope my parallel Sarah is living.
I've always dreamed of a life in the country. Growing up barefoot, on the back of a horse, with wide open fields for company. I guess it's because its the opposite of my life which was a druggie birthmom, trailer parks,which gave way to city life, backyard, and the biggest animal we could have was a german shepherd.
For some reason, the country life has always drawn me in. maybe its the simplicity, maybe its the quiet, I dont really know. But I've realized that I want Bella to have that. (Can you imagine- Bella Sweet Musick, Miss Rodeo Princess, on a big beautiful paint, all glittery and with flowers around her horses neck!? seriously!!!)
anyways, as i hear the sirens run back and forth all day, and loud pops that sound way too much like gunshots for my taste, and drive around and see people living all packed together, I realize that this city is no place for a kid. In general, the city is no place for a kid. There is no room for exploration, for freedom to experience different things, no room to grow.
Maybe my alternate universe self is a barrel racer in Texas, who grow up on a ranch and married a cowboy in Wrangler jeans. (I'm working on micah, he listens to contry now. next is the jeans and boots... love him!) Maybe the draw for me is the confidence that I seem to find whenever I get out of the smog and traffic of the city. Its like things get quiet, emotionally, spiritually.
Well, until I get my ranch house in the country I guess I'll just have to listen to "American Honey" and tell Bella she's a cowgirl. Do they make dog saddles, so she can start practicing her riding skills?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Finding Myself Again
Hellllloooo blog world. It's been a long time. I've always been a big writer, but as life happened, I've gotten away from it and don't write as often as I'd like (or need) to.
I'm coming up on my 2 year wedding anniversary, which really is when my life started it feels like. I mean, I have a child hood, and a teenage phase, but getting married was what set me on the path to becoming a grown up adult (maybe it does that for everyone, or maybe just for those of us who run off and get married at a "young age" like I did, so we didnt have much time to actually grow up on our own. shrug.) So now that I'm a 2 year old grown up, I figure it's time to get back to some of the passions and interests I had. I've spent the last little while first off- being too into the party lifestyle to even give my thoughts, emotions, and gifts a second thought, and then living the life of a married person, which is a bit to get figured out, particularly when you do a complete 180 from what you were doing. Well, then I had that down decently well, and then God decided that we should have a baby. And if you've never done THAT before (the having of the baby, not the making part, just to clarify...tehehe.) thats a huge, massive, ridiculous, hard, sleepless, tearful, painful, beautiful, did i say HUGE, adjustment.
So here I am now, Bella is almost 3 months old, takes decent naps, and kinda sleeps through the night, and I figure it's about time to get back to thinking about things again (my brain has taken a temporary hiatus due to lack of sleep until recently...) , and writing about them. I could blog on facebook, (well, actually 'post a note') but this is just so much... uh, trendier? more official? I dunno- just better. :)
So here we go. I'm putting myself out there. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, cussing, or anything you may find offensive in the future, but it's me, and I'm not the kind of gal to say "bottom" when I'd rather say "ass", for example.
that's probably it for tonight. "I don't envy you the headache you will have in the morning, but for now, rest well, and dream of large woman."
good night.
I'm coming up on my 2 year wedding anniversary, which really is when my life started it feels like. I mean, I have a child hood, and a teenage phase, but getting married was what set me on the path to becoming a grown up adult (maybe it does that for everyone, or maybe just for those of us who run off and get married at a "young age" like I did, so we didnt have much time to actually grow up on our own. shrug.) So now that I'm a 2 year old grown up, I figure it's time to get back to some of the passions and interests I had. I've spent the last little while first off- being too into the party lifestyle to even give my thoughts, emotions, and gifts a second thought, and then living the life of a married person, which is a bit to get figured out, particularly when you do a complete 180 from what you were doing. Well, then I had that down decently well, and then God decided that we should have a baby. And if you've never done THAT before (the having of the baby, not the making part, just to clarify...tehehe.) thats a huge, massive, ridiculous, hard, sleepless, tearful, painful, beautiful, did i say HUGE, adjustment.
So here I am now, Bella is almost 3 months old, takes decent naps, and kinda sleeps through the night, and I figure it's about time to get back to thinking about things again (my brain has taken a temporary hiatus due to lack of sleep until recently...) , and writing about them. I could blog on facebook, (well, actually 'post a note') but this is just so much... uh, trendier? more official? I dunno- just better. :)
So here we go. I'm putting myself out there. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, cussing, or anything you may find offensive in the future, but it's me, and I'm not the kind of gal to say "bottom" when I'd rather say "ass", for example.
that's probably it for tonight. "I don't envy you the headache you will have in the morning, but for now, rest well, and dream of large woman."
good night.
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