Dear mom and dad.
I know you have done everything for me. You have given me a comfy bed and cool toys. I am fed and have clothes to wear. But i still feel unloved and alone. i don't understand why my real parents didn't want me. i don't know why i couldn't live with them. I've heard you say that my real mom couldn't take care of me. But you can take care of me, so why couldn't she. she must not have loved me enough. i thought moms and dads were always supposed to love their kids. what is wrong with me?
I know I don't sit still. I get in trouble at school. Is that why they didn't want me? Am i too loud in the house? Is it because I get muddy and dirty? Maybe they thought I was ugly. Did I cry too much as a baby? That must have been why they gave me away.
you tell me you love me. you tell me that i belong to you. but then i hear you say that you can't handle me. i hear you tell dad that i make you crazy. dad says that he doesn't know what to do with me. Does that mean that you don't love me either? you are always on the phone talking to other people, and when i try to talk to you, you tell me to be quiet. i just want to tell you about my day. and when i do other things to get your attention, then you get mad at me and yell. it scares me when you do that because im scared you will give me away too.
i try to be good. i try to do the right things so you will love me. When i do good on my spelling test, you give me a present. when i haven't fought with anyone at school, we do something fun together. but i can't always be good. sometimes i just want to run around and yell. sometimes my brother makes me so angry, i hit him. and then you yell at me and tell me that you are frustrated and don't know why i do those kind of things.
you only show me you love me when i do good things. my real parents would love me even when i did bad things. my real parents would take me to the park, take me to the zoo, and build things with me all the time. my real parents wouldnt yell at me. my real parents would be able to handle me. my real parents would never be to busy for me.
but they didn't love me. and you don't either. i must be so bad and ugly that nobody can love me.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Idaho U[pdate.
So, both Micah and I felt that our announcement of our move to Idaho was a bit rushed. We know that in the right timing this move will be the best thing we can do for our family. But the timing is very important in this whole thing. What we do know is that it is in our near future, and it is something that we both want to do.
Some people have voiced concerns that we are not being wise and that we are letting impulses control our decision. That is not actually the case. We have spent a long time in prayer and thought about this whole thing. The experiences and hardships that people around us are going through (particularly in the financial area) have made Micah and I really realize the importance of having the right motivation to move, strong discipline and self control in finances, and willingness to wait on the right timing.
Micah and I had a chance to take a realistic look at our life the other day and make a much better plan for this whole thing. We were able to set ourselves some goals and recognize the hurdles that need to be overcome before this move so that we can actually make a new start and be totally prepared for what Idaho may have for us.
I thought that I would share some of those things, so that you can keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare. Also, to provide some clarity for people who think we are moving tomorrow. :)
Some of our goals are:
1. Get out of debt. Hoenstly, theres a few steps with this one. We have old bills etc that wont be hard to get taken care of. Our credit card debt is minimal. Finally, our car loan and student loans are the biggest ones to get taken care of.
2. Have a good chunk of money saved up. We don;t know what kind of opportunities will be opening up for Micah in the employment arena. There are a few things in the works, but nothing concrete. So we know that we need to have enough money saved up to make sure we can have what we need if things don't work out like we are hoping and planning for.
3. Grow. Theres a lot to this one, but to sum it all up we need to start growing up and getting our life on track. Quit smoking, get in better shape, find a church. Those kind of things. We don;t have to be completely there with this one when we move, but we are definitely wanting to get started on these things.
At this point, we feel like it will take us about a year and a half before we will be able to make the move to Idaho. We are shooting for next June (2012). So now you can all relax and not worry about us running off before you are ready to say goodbye. :)
I have all kinds of thoughts running around in my head, but can't seem to get them all organized, so instead of leaving you all with a rambling list of musings, I'll just sign off now. And go clean my house, since my lil Angel Monster is a-snooze. :)
Some people have voiced concerns that we are not being wise and that we are letting impulses control our decision. That is not actually the case. We have spent a long time in prayer and thought about this whole thing. The experiences and hardships that people around us are going through (particularly in the financial area) have made Micah and I really realize the importance of having the right motivation to move, strong discipline and self control in finances, and willingness to wait on the right timing.
Micah and I had a chance to take a realistic look at our life the other day and make a much better plan for this whole thing. We were able to set ourselves some goals and recognize the hurdles that need to be overcome before this move so that we can actually make a new start and be totally prepared for what Idaho may have for us.
I thought that I would share some of those things, so that you can keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we prepare. Also, to provide some clarity for people who think we are moving tomorrow. :)
Some of our goals are:
1. Get out of debt. Hoenstly, theres a few steps with this one. We have old bills etc that wont be hard to get taken care of. Our credit card debt is minimal. Finally, our car loan and student loans are the biggest ones to get taken care of.
2. Have a good chunk of money saved up. We don;t know what kind of opportunities will be opening up for Micah in the employment arena. There are a few things in the works, but nothing concrete. So we know that we need to have enough money saved up to make sure we can have what we need if things don't work out like we are hoping and planning for.
3. Grow. Theres a lot to this one, but to sum it all up we need to start growing up and getting our life on track. Quit smoking, get in better shape, find a church. Those kind of things. We don;t have to be completely there with this one when we move, but we are definitely wanting to get started on these things.
At this point, we feel like it will take us about a year and a half before we will be able to make the move to Idaho. We are shooting for next June (2012). So now you can all relax and not worry about us running off before you are ready to say goodbye. :)
I have all kinds of thoughts running around in my head, but can't seem to get them all organized, so instead of leaving you all with a rambling list of musings, I'll just sign off now. And go clean my house, since my lil Angel Monster is a-snooze. :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Currency"?
So if you follow my dad's blog, you may have read his post on "relationships being the currency of the kingdom." Here's the link to his blog...
Well, recently, I was reading some comments on a message that had been given at a women's meeting at that particular organization. I chose not to listen to the message, so I'm going to say outright that maybe I just don't fully understand the meaning behind the statement "Relationships are the currency of the kingdom."
But, with that said, the statement taken at face value is a sad reflection on churches in America today. And maybe people should think of that before they go and advertise it as some deep and beautiful new catch phrase.
Currency= money. Money is used to get something a person wants or needs. My money is thrown into my purse in a rush. It gets shoved into pockets and run through the washer. People write all over it. Its really not something that is treated with care. Unless of course you got a stack of Benny's. hmmm.
So why would anyone want to be "currency"? Why would that be a way to describe a human being, unique and created in God's image? Why are people falling for this left and right, like its some great new way to look at the Kingdom of God?! Are people truly that blind and deceived? Sadly, I think many are.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He saw this new breed of money changers selling their services in the temple courts. Preying on broken and lost people. Making them feel accepted and valued, only to be focusing on the bottom dollar and building relationships with selfish intentions.
So what should the currency of the Kingdom be? What should we be giving in exchange to those around us? Probably nothing, but if there was going to be anything, I think it would be love, service, and support for the broken. Shouldn't we be giving our time, our [unconditional] love for those around, regardless of $$ or personal issues? Shouldn't we be serving our communities expecting nothing in return? Shouldn't be about touching people's lives in a deep and life changing way? Wouldn't those things make us "rich" in the true sense of the word? Or are we just building as many relationships, with no regard to the depth of them?
basically, if my cell phone contact list is full, that makes me rich? Hmm....I never want to be a form of currency, and I never want that to be the reason I make friends.
Well, recently, I was reading some comments on a message that had been given at a women's meeting at that particular organization. I chose not to listen to the message, so I'm going to say outright that maybe I just don't fully understand the meaning behind the statement "Relationships are the currency of the kingdom."
But, with that said, the statement taken at face value is a sad reflection on churches in America today. And maybe people should think of that before they go and advertise it as some deep and beautiful new catch phrase.
Currency= money. Money is used to get something a person wants or needs. My money is thrown into my purse in a rush. It gets shoved into pockets and run through the washer. People write all over it. Its really not something that is treated with care. Unless of course you got a stack of Benny's. hmmm.
So why would anyone want to be "currency"? Why would that be a way to describe a human being, unique and created in God's image? Why are people falling for this left and right, like its some great new way to look at the Kingdom of God?! Are people truly that blind and deceived? Sadly, I think many are.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He saw this new breed of money changers selling their services in the temple courts. Preying on broken and lost people. Making them feel accepted and valued, only to be focusing on the bottom dollar and building relationships with selfish intentions.
So what should the currency of the Kingdom be? What should we be giving in exchange to those around us? Probably nothing, but if there was going to be anything, I think it would be love, service, and support for the broken. Shouldn't we be giving our time, our [unconditional] love for those around, regardless of $$ or personal issues? Shouldn't we be serving our communities expecting nothing in return? Shouldn't be about touching people's lives in a deep and life changing way? Wouldn't those things make us "rich" in the true sense of the word? Or are we just building as many relationships, with no regard to the depth of them?
basically, if my cell phone contact list is full, that makes me rich? Hmm....I never want to be a form of currency, and I never want that to be the reason I make friends.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Awesome Things about Growing Up
For the most part, growing up is no fun. You have to pay your own bills. Your dad isn't around to fix your car or remind you to check the oil. Your mom isnt around when you don't feel like cooking your own dinner. You can't sit around with your friends all the time because you have responsibilities like work, which is always lame. Not to mention all the emotional chaos that comes with being your own person, separate from your family.
I find myself frequently whining and complaining about how much it sucks. Let's all admit it, nobody has a good time growing up.
BUT. I have realized that there are a few TOTALLY awesome privileges that you gain when you get to make your own decisions with your money and time. I thought I would share these with you.
1. You can use as much toilet paper as you want. When your parents supply the TP, they notice if you use half a roll in one session. But when you are the one buying it, there's nobody to tell you not to! Suddenly the simple task of pooping becomes WAY easier, more fun,and rather empowering.
2. You can eat whatever you want. Obviously, we are not even going to go into the health issues behind making bad choices. But you can totally have McDonalds at ten oclock at night, have pho for lunch and taco truck for dinner (not saying I have ever done that... cough cough..) which leads us to our next point...
3. Dinner is [almost] always something you want to eat. If you are making food for yourself, its not like you are going to slave away for something that isnt sounding yummy to you.
4. You can get the biggest pumpkin at the pumpkin patch. You are the one carving it, cleaning up afterwards, and more importantly, carrying it to the car, so its ok to go crazy! And you can carve a big scary face if you feel like it. Growing up in a house of small children, we didn't carve pumpkins much, and if we did, it had to be totally G rated. The first year Micah and I were married, our pumpkin probably weighed 40-50lbs and we made a bad ass vampire. Totally worth having to pay for it ourselves and clean up the mess.
5. You get to decide when you want to do chores. Yah, sometimes my house becomes a disaster, and having to be the one responsible for keeping it clean is not fun, but if you want to blare some music and clean at 7 am, you can. OR if you want to choose not to mop your floors for a month, thats your deal. You dont have to worry about getting grounded.
Well, that's just a start of my list of things that actually kick ass about being a grown up... Anyone got any other ones?
I find myself frequently whining and complaining about how much it sucks. Let's all admit it, nobody has a good time growing up.
BUT. I have realized that there are a few TOTALLY awesome privileges that you gain when you get to make your own decisions with your money and time. I thought I would share these with you.
1. You can use as much toilet paper as you want. When your parents supply the TP, they notice if you use half a roll in one session. But when you are the one buying it, there's nobody to tell you not to! Suddenly the simple task of pooping becomes WAY easier, more fun,and rather empowering.
2. You can eat whatever you want. Obviously, we are not even going to go into the health issues behind making bad choices. But you can totally have McDonalds at ten oclock at night, have pho for lunch and taco truck for dinner (not saying I have ever done that... cough cough..) which leads us to our next point...
3. Dinner is [almost] always something you want to eat. If you are making food for yourself, its not like you are going to slave away for something that isnt sounding yummy to you.
4. You can get the biggest pumpkin at the pumpkin patch. You are the one carving it, cleaning up afterwards, and more importantly, carrying it to the car, so its ok to go crazy! And you can carve a big scary face if you feel like it. Growing up in a house of small children, we didn't carve pumpkins much, and if we did, it had to be totally G rated. The first year Micah and I were married, our pumpkin probably weighed 40-50lbs and we made a bad ass vampire. Totally worth having to pay for it ourselves and clean up the mess.
5. You get to decide when you want to do chores. Yah, sometimes my house becomes a disaster, and having to be the one responsible for keeping it clean is not fun, but if you want to blare some music and clean at 7 am, you can. OR if you want to choose not to mop your floors for a month, thats your deal. You dont have to worry about getting grounded.
Well, that's just a start of my list of things that actually kick ass about being a grown up... Anyone got any other ones?
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Caution: Intense, Painful, and Not a Fun Read
I recently found out some very disturbing things. I learned about lies that were told pertaining to my family, and finally found an explanation for some of the questions I had about my former church "family."
The sad part about this is the betrayal and blatant deception that occured. *Someone* cared more about their salary then people lives, and used his authority and position to deceive a whole congregation of people who admired and respected him. There is no way to excuse the "story" that was told. Had there been a small measure of logical truth, maybe I could see past it. But it is ridiculous! Maybe its the white hair and fatherly voice that made everyone lose their ability to personally and logically think through a situation and analyze what was being fed to them. I don't really know, but looking back now its obvious that a lot of people fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Another thing I can't entirely understand is why almost nobody took the time to find out the truth. No wonder Christians are hated, laughed at and ridiculed by secular culture. For the most part, they are dumb! Jesus was right when He said they were His sheep. They follow blindly anyone who looks like they may know something about anything. Whatever they say is obviously truth, didn't you know? And rather than taking the time to find out for themselves, they move on to the newest worship song or motivational speaker or some such other bullshit.
And while I am glad to have more of the truth in the light, 6 years later, the fallout will be brutal. The "where do I go from here" is painful and uncomfortable. But I know a few things. I will not back down, no matter how hard it is for me or the people around me. I will not be quiet anymore. And I am no longer going to pretend to be "okay" with that man. He or his wife will never again be part of my life, as much as in my power to see that happens.
In the last 6 years, one thing that I have forever lost is my innocence. I can never go back to blind trust, and quiet obedience. I no longer believe that all authority is to be respected. And never again will I believe that a church is a safe place. On the contrary, sadly, experience has taught me that it is a place where predators are protected (shit, welcomed!), and there are more lies being shoved down your throat than on a used car lot. And that lose of trust, innocence, and faith is greatly the result of one stuck up, deceitful, and selfish bastard's desire to "not make waves" no matter if the cost was an entire family.
Too bad I wish my story was unique, but in the "Body of Christ," its not, and in the 15 years we went there, I am dying to know the truth about the people who "went on sabbatical."
So there ya have it. I know this is prety direct, and I appreciate the people in my life who have chosen to believe the truth and be true examples of Christ in their daily lives.
The sad part about this is the betrayal and blatant deception that occured. *Someone* cared more about their salary then people lives, and used his authority and position to deceive a whole congregation of people who admired and respected him. There is no way to excuse the "story" that was told. Had there been a small measure of logical truth, maybe I could see past it. But it is ridiculous! Maybe its the white hair and fatherly voice that made everyone lose their ability to personally and logically think through a situation and analyze what was being fed to them. I don't really know, but looking back now its obvious that a lot of people fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Another thing I can't entirely understand is why almost nobody took the time to find out the truth. No wonder Christians are hated, laughed at and ridiculed by secular culture. For the most part, they are dumb! Jesus was right when He said they were His sheep. They follow blindly anyone who looks like they may know something about anything. Whatever they say is obviously truth, didn't you know? And rather than taking the time to find out for themselves, they move on to the newest worship song or motivational speaker or some such other bullshit.
And while I am glad to have more of the truth in the light, 6 years later, the fallout will be brutal. The "where do I go from here" is painful and uncomfortable. But I know a few things. I will not back down, no matter how hard it is for me or the people around me. I will not be quiet anymore. And I am no longer going to pretend to be "okay" with that man. He or his wife will never again be part of my life, as much as in my power to see that happens.
In the last 6 years, one thing that I have forever lost is my innocence. I can never go back to blind trust, and quiet obedience. I no longer believe that all authority is to be respected. And never again will I believe that a church is a safe place. On the contrary, sadly, experience has taught me that it is a place where predators are protected (shit, welcomed!), and there are more lies being shoved down your throat than on a used car lot. And that lose of trust, innocence, and faith is greatly the result of one stuck up, deceitful, and selfish bastard's desire to "not make waves" no matter if the cost was an entire family.
Too bad I wish my story was unique, but in the "Body of Christ," its not, and in the 15 years we went there, I am dying to know the truth about the people who "went on sabbatical."
So there ya have it. I know this is prety direct, and I appreciate the people in my life who have chosen to believe the truth and be true examples of Christ in their daily lives.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Smokeless- Week 2, day 3
So we are on the second week of this whole thing, and honestly, this week has been easy. I haven't even felt like a cigarette. Maybe because I have been busy 24/7. Maybe because I've chosen to put my focus on other things. I don't really know. But it hasn't been nearly as hard. Even though we had a few slips last week, I am still confident and strong in doing this, which is more than half the battle.
As I have gone longer and longer without cigarettes, I've realized a few things.
1. I now have an 100 minutes everyday. 10 cigarettes a day, each taking ten minutes. At first it was a little weird, and I'd have moments of being really bored, but its amazing how fast time goes when you start realizing that you have a shit ton that is yelling for your attention!
2. I actually smelled a hint of new-ish car smell in my Explorer the other day. YAY! it doesn't reek anymore!
3. Addiction is a scary thing. Looking at our finances, we would always find a way to get cigarettes. At any cost. And that is a huge reason we are behind in so many areas financially, or at the least on the edge. People around us were put on the back burner if we were short on cash and still had to buy x- amount of cigarettes. it was crazy. I never realized how much we sacrificed to make smoking happen everyday. And its true of any addiction- no matter what, you never go with out whatever it is you "need." As I said before, I never want to get there again!
Thats a few thoughts for the day today. My brain has been a monumental mess the last few days, mostly because my house looks like it was just hit by a tornado! Looks like that 100 minutes is already gone today!
As I have gone longer and longer without cigarettes, I've realized a few things.
1. I now have an 100 minutes everyday. 10 cigarettes a day, each taking ten minutes. At first it was a little weird, and I'd have moments of being really bored, but its amazing how fast time goes when you start realizing that you have a shit ton that is yelling for your attention!
2. I actually smelled a hint of new-ish car smell in my Explorer the other day. YAY! it doesn't reek anymore!
3. Addiction is a scary thing. Looking at our finances, we would always find a way to get cigarettes. At any cost. And that is a huge reason we are behind in so many areas financially, or at the least on the edge. People around us were put on the back burner if we were short on cash and still had to buy x- amount of cigarettes. it was crazy. I never realized how much we sacrificed to make smoking happen everyday. And its true of any addiction- no matter what, you never go with out whatever it is you "need." As I said before, I never want to get there again!
Thats a few thoughts for the day today. My brain has been a monumental mess the last few days, mostly because my house looks like it was just hit by a tornado! Looks like that 100 minutes is already gone today!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Quitting smoking, day one.
This is a post i wrote on a forum I'm on, but thought id post it here too. I'll probably be posting a lot the next few weeks... I feel like journaling this process is going to be the most helpful. so enjoy and follow, o get bored and don't- it's no thang to me! :)
so here we go ladies! I hope you gals dont mind if I post on here about this whole process, feel free to quit reading whenever, i wont be offended! :) i just need a place to vent and process. I've been up an hour and a half and so far alright. its a beautiful day so I think i'm going to plant flowers and get outside and clean my house and try to keep myself moving. it makes you so sleepy not having cigs! lame!
I would post about the quitting thing on fb, but i know i will get too much attention over it, ya know? and that doesnt help! my grandma knows that we are quitting and every time she sees me thats all she wants to talk about!!! really not helpful! I'd rather just ignore the whole thing and live my life like i have never been a smoker and im just living every day like I have always done.
my friend had a good point about instead of just quitting cigarettes to change your whole routine, that way everything is different and so you dont miss it as much. Well, the plan was play with bella, coffee, and while shes down for a nap, take a shower and put on make up etc (since i have been a total slob the last 6 months!) and then clean etc until she wakes up. Once shes awake, I was going to make sure to DO something, a walk, the park whatever! but so far, i'm sitting here with a stomach ache and feeling like going back to sleep. maybe i could just sleep the next 5 weeks off and wake up without the hacking or addiction.
I will never be addicited to anything again! it f&*cking sucks!
so here we go ladies! I hope you gals dont mind if I post on here about this whole process, feel free to quit reading whenever, i wont be offended! :) i just need a place to vent and process. I've been up an hour and a half and so far alright. its a beautiful day so I think i'm going to plant flowers and get outside and clean my house and try to keep myself moving. it makes you so sleepy not having cigs! lame!
I would post about the quitting thing on fb, but i know i will get too much attention over it, ya know? and that doesnt help! my grandma knows that we are quitting and every time she sees me thats all she wants to talk about!!! really not helpful! I'd rather just ignore the whole thing and live my life like i have never been a smoker and im just living every day like I have always done.
my friend had a good point about instead of just quitting cigarettes to change your whole routine, that way everything is different and so you dont miss it as much. Well, the plan was play with bella, coffee, and while shes down for a nap, take a shower and put on make up etc (since i have been a total slob the last 6 months!) and then clean etc until she wakes up. Once shes awake, I was going to make sure to DO something, a walk, the park whatever! but so far, i'm sitting here with a stomach ache and feeling like going back to sleep. maybe i could just sleep the next 5 weeks off and wake up without the hacking or addiction.
I will never be addicited to anything again! it f&*cking sucks!
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