No excuses, only choices

I'm going to be totally honest here.  Lately I've really been struggling with some depression and having a really hard time.  The past few weeks have been challenging on all levels. Moving or not, finances, Bella, self-esteem,  and the fact my house is a wreck.  At first I just dismissed it as PMS (I happen to be the poster child for that unpleasant time). But it didn't go away.  I've been struggling with feeling inadequate, exhausted, and frustrated with what my life has become.

The past few days, I have really been doing some soul searching, asking myself "What the hell is wrong with me!  Why am I not able to enjoy life, and what is making me feel like this?"  The hard part is that rationally, and in reality, I have a great life.  I have an amazing husband who takes care of me so I can stay home with my beautiful little girl.  I have a house, no matter what shape it is in.  I have a good life on the whole.

As I began to just think and process the past few weeks, I think I have figured out something...

I have realized that our thoughts can be our worst enemies.  In the Bible, we are told to "take every thought captive."  When I was younger, I had a black and white, rigid view of that verse.  I didn't apply it to the reality of life every day.      It's not (necessarily) saying that we need to be constantly checking our minds, because in reality we cannot have control over every thought that pops into our heads.  Its saying that we need to be in control of what we chose to dwell on, what we allow to rent space up there.  I'm not bragging here, but generally, I have been pretty good at steering my brain and choosing what I allow myself to continue to think about.  Definitely not perfect, but for the most part, I feel like I am fairly competent at taking the crazy things that pop into my head and dismissing the ones that bring me down.  But I have realized that sometimes, that ability starts to slip away, and without knowing it I can get away from that gift from God.  And if I don't catch that slide soon enough, I begin living in a funk and forget how I got there and how to get out.

In my own life, I am realizing that the power to take control of our thoughts is huge and we are the only ones who can do that for ourselves.  I've seen in my own life how things can spiral out of control, and I've seen it in other people around me.  We all blame the outward things- in my case, exhaustion, a headache from my little girl who is practicing her singing skills by shrieking 24/7, and sticky floors.  When all is said and done though, it's just LIFE, and while we have some control over the external things, it comes down to making choices every day. 

I am a firm believer that we have the power to stop ourselves from digging black holes in our minds and emotions.  Most of the time, it is just a choice that we have to make.  I think that we can simply say to ourselves, "Stop."  For example, there are people who are getting divorces because they have "irreconcilable differences."  That's bullshit.  They say that they can't stop fighting and distrusting their spouse, when in reality they are not choosing to get over it, and are not choosing to do what is necessary to resolve the issues.  That may be a bad example, but the point is that we make excuses when we should be making choices.  Choices give us power over our future, over our every day, over our actions, and half the time, we lack the self control and strength to make the choices that are needed. And choices are things that we need to make in every area of our life.

And I do also think that there are times when we get so depleted emotionally to have the nerve to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and make the choices to filter our thoughts, our actions, and take control over those things.  I've realized that in my situation, that is what happened.  I let things go.  And one thing piled on top of another.  In other words, life happened, and I just let myself make excuses for the things my brain was dwelling on.  SO the last few days, I've been trying to do the things that fill me back up- walks, cleaning, sleeping, some veg out TV (last night it was meerkat manor- great show!)

So now that I have realized where this whole funk is coming from, I have come to a few revelations.

1.  Yes, my life is going to be consumed with diapers, teething, and excersaucers for a while.  Since that something I can't change, pretty much need to face the music (or the Musick, if I was going to be super corny!) and deal with it.  I can get out more, I can go hang out with my friends, and I can chose to look at the bright side of things- namely, that everybody tells me you miss this stage in a few years.

2.  We are not rich.  Ok, well, I could think about getting a job, or I can just chose to make better decisions financially, and learn how to make my pho at home.

3.  I am not going to get to sleep much.  for a while.  So take a nap.  Or what I did today. I changed and fed Bellie at 6 am when she thought she wanted to get up, and laid her back down with her lullabies and went back to bed with the monitor really low.  I got to sleep another 45 minutes and Bella went back to sleep too.  My house is small enough that if she got really pissed, I'd hear her, monitor or not, so why torture myself by laying there listening to her complain or "sing", when I can just relax and snooze a bit more. Being in her crib a bit longer, as long as she is fed and changed is not going to kill her or permanently make her think i don't love her, but an exhausted and pissy mom can cause problems for everybody. 

4.  I just had a baby a little bit ago, so its ok that I haven't dropped that 20 lbs I really need to lose, and I need to deal with the fact that my skin had to fit an 8 lbs baby so its normal for it to take a while to decompress. I'm back to what I weighed before I had her, which is good.  The weather is getting nicer, so I can get more exercise,  and veggies and fruit are starting to be yummier (and cheaper) so i can work on it the next few months.

5.  The other day, we almost got into a serious accident- like we could have been killed had things been different.  I let myself dwell on what would happen if I lost my family.  Talk about DEPRESSING.  I need to remember that God will take care of me, Micah, and Bella.  I have amazing friends and family, so if I ever did have to walk that road, I can rest in the fact that I have a loving God and a strong support system that would do anything and everything to get me back on my feet.  The end- not going to think on that one anymore.

Anyways- those are some example in my life of ways I am going to start taking control of how I'm viewing my life and how I am going to go forward from today on taking better control of my thoughts.  That and some extra prayers and a chat with my mom. 

Starting today, I going to make some choices and not excuses.  And for starters, I'm going to take the whole "half full" approach.  Now to go clean my really gross floors....